The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity – a book for anyone who has ever loved by Esther Perel

I’ve just finished this – it took a day so I know I was captured by the author – it was recommended by a client who was instructed by his wife to read it.

Its well worth a read and despite not mentioning limerence, she does cover affairs from many aspects. She writes without judgement and much compassion. That said, having listened to her podcasts of sessions with her clients, she seems to be a therapist that is not afraid of confrontation and gives her forthright opinion.

The book has many case studies and real life examples that illustrates the complexities behind what we seek outside of a monogamous (however we define that) relationship and the fall out generated.

The book has a chapter on making sense and meaning out of the affair. Whilst for me, there were no big ahah moments, I like her style of writing and the many references given.

She also covers sex in all its forms in a sensitive and honest way.

Whilst not a handbook for affair recovery, I like it for the way it gives a balanced view for all three people in the triangle. As much she posits that affairs are opportunities for growth and recalibration of stale relationships.


David qualified as a Medical Doctor (GMC number 2941565) in 1984 from St. Thomas’ hospital, London. He obtained his GP and family planning certification. In 1999 he left medicine to set up docleaf, a leading Crisis Management and Trauma Psychology Consultancy. He has experience as a hypnotherapist and holds a postgraduate diploma in psychotherapy and counselling from the Centre of Counselling and Psychotherapy Education in London and is currently studying for an advance diploma in executive coaching.

David spends part of his time as an executive coach and running docleaf leadership which works with CEO’s and other C suite leaders in helping them develop and grow.

David has written extensively about limerence, sex and love addiction as well as trauma and PTSD. His interest in romantic relationships led him to set up, a support forum to help those impacted by this debilitating condition.

David is passionate about men’s work and his mission in life is to help people become more conscious by teaching and helping others and continuing his own self-development. He is actively involved in volunteering with the ManKind Project charity which helps men live their lives with more integrity, honesty and taking more personal responsibility.

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