College has finished, Limerence started in the second week of my course and stayed with me throughout my training. I find it hard to believe 4 years have passed.
My peers are holding a celebration party in a few weeks, one last chance to say goodbye. I’ve decided not to go. I said my most significant goodbye to LO at college last week. I said I hope there were no bad feelings, we chatted about a few things, her still not wanting to explore her “contribution” to my limerence, her anger at a comment i made to her a few weeks back when we had an angry exchange, she then asked about my SO. We then hugged and as she departed she looked around and said “you could have said you wanted to make love to me instead of saying you wanted to fuck me”. I think they are good words to finish on as they leave me with so many unanswered questions.
It never mattered what she felt about me, as this was all about me, my growth, my journey through the dark night of the soul. She was my greatest teacher over the past 4 years, words i fed back to her.
I feel lighter since that conversation over a week ago. She’s rarely entered my thoughts over the past week and when she does, the euphoric recall has gone. I see her as a damaged soul that never found the ability to have an honest conversation with me. The game playing continued right to her parting comments. SOP (Standard Operating Proceeders) for a narc.
As we’ve been told many times at college, we get the clients we need or perhaps deserve. Perhaps one day she’ll realise how her flirting was getting her transient ego strokes at my expense?
I think ill be a better therapist for my limerence experience and hopefully can pass on my own learnings to others that sit across me in confusion and turmoil.
I sometimes think back and wonder “did that really happen to me?”