david.perlI was asked by a fellow limerence.net member on how my Limerent Object mirrors me. Her is how I responded
Im far from a professor, just another human trying to make sense of a deeply painful experience. I’ve used my training as “justification” to try and get LO to explore the erotic transference and both our projections as we could have both grown from the experience, if done in a safe, contained and mature way with the facilitation of an experienced therapist and we have some very wise ones at college.
Our course tutor has encouraged me with this approach from 6 months into limerence when i told him of my struggles. He says i have to respect LO’s wishes to not engage in this process and says she for sure has her own projections onto me within my limerence.
As for the mirroring, she was showing me my own narcissistic traits of entitlement, manipulation, how we each played the victim, rescuer and persecutor. Im more on the grandiose scale, i haven’t worked out her narcissistic wounds as we’ve never done any joint work together. that was her request to never be put into the same group as me, so one thing i do know is shes an avoidant. That makes sense as im drawn to avoidants, SO is one too!
After telling her we can’t be friends 3 weeks ago Ive gone back to LC, our paths cross at college for 3 more evenings and then a leaving party and thats it, our journeys will then separate. I wont make contact with her, if our paths cross, ill be polite and ask hows shes doing and as ive told her, im still willing to talk things through in a joint therapy session.
The obsessive thinking stopped when i first went NC 3 years ago. She may enter my consciousness once or twice a day and its not intrusive, just fond memories. Im still fond of her and sad we can’t be friends. She told me she sees my soul and i’ve told her she touched my soul in a way few others have. some things in this life just can’t be.
This is beautifully illustrated in the following quote by Elizabeth Garret from Eat, Love, Pray:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful.
Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
