6 years ago i entered into marriage counselling because of a pathological jealousy and my unfounded fears that my wife had been unfaithful at some point in the past. There was never any evidence, just my own trust issues that were not surprising given my family of origin. I was insecure, jealous and wanted to control her.

Limerence than taught me that its OK to “love” others apart from my wife. The experience and therapy has helped me let go of some of the trust issues and i can now let SO be herself. 

When I told SO of my recent interaction with LO, she talked about a guy in the year above at her own training college whose energy she likes. Her friend thinks this guy has a crush on her. This has made SO feel uncomfortable. I asked why and shes not sure. A few years ago, i would have gone into terminal melt-down over such information. It would have been grounds for an instant divorce. Now I am intrigued about what it is she is drawn to and if she wanted to spend time with him, id be comfortable with that. Im not sure that means physical intimacy but i respect i can’t fulfill all of my SO’s needs.

Una’s comments on polyamory have always got me thinking, but i’ve never felt secure enough in myself to explore this further. Im going to buy “the ethical slut” to read on a long flight tomorrow. I’m very content with SO and want to be with her. I love her deeply. And I still yearn for some sort of relationship with LO. She not only noticed my absence but also tells me she noticed so must care about me at some level. Life is too short to pass by on a connection with some that had such a profound effect on me. These connections are too few and far between to ignore. I’ll talk with SO about the changing shape of our relationship whilst we’re away.

SO is totally OK with me having friendships with other woman, not sure she would feel the same if it was LO. Would i always want more than a platonic friendship?

Id be interested to read of how other’s views of monogamy have been changed by their limerence. How have you navigated friendship with an LO?


David qualified as a Medical Doctor (GMC number 2941565) in 1984 from St. Thomas’ hospital, London. He obtained his GP and family planning certification. In 1999 he left medicine to set up docleaf, a leading Crisis Management and Trauma Psychology Consultancy. He has experience as a hypnotherapist and holds a postgraduate diploma in psychotherapy and counselling from the Centre of Counselling and Psychotherapy Education in London and is currently studying for an advance diploma in executive coaching.

David spends part of his time as an executive coach and running docleaf leadership which works with CEO’s and other C suite leaders in helping them develop and grow.

David has written extensively about limerence, sex and love addiction as well as trauma and PTSD. His interest in romantic relationships led him to set up www.limerence.net, a support forum to help those impacted by this debilitating condition.

David is passionate about men’s work and his mission in life is to help people become more conscious by teaching and helping others and continuing his own self-development. He is actively involved in volunteering with the ManKind Project charity which helps men live their lives with more integrity, honesty and taking more personal responsibility.

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